I have to stop lying, Sylvia is always telling me. Today she made this heartfelt speech about how lying is a thing I have to stop doing, on account of I am hurting others and myself alike, and I told her I would stop, but that was a lie, so like... I don't know.
It's not like I do it intentionally. Well, I mean, I do do it intentionally, but I don't like, wake up in the morning and go, "Yesssss, I am going to lie today," all villainously and whatnot. It's just that these circumstances present themselves, and next thing I know, I can't make it to Eric's house tomorrow night because my cousin in Lichtenstein is having open heart surgery and I have to fly over there to be with her. And then when I show up at school the next day because I don't actually have a cousin in Lichtenstein, much less one who is having open heart surgery, I have to come up with some different lie about how my brother in college's girlfriend died in a freak accident right before I was supposed to board my plane, and I had to go be there for him instead. (I do not have a brother in college either.) And I have to keep coming up with more and more increasingly ridiculous lies to explain the fact why my parents have no idea I have a brother in college until I finally get caught when someone's like, "Hey wait, pterodactyls are extinct."
Don't ask me how it got all the way to pterodactyls.
And don't ask me why Eric's inviting me over to his house anyway, since he is Sylvia's boyfriend and not mine, and if I actually were to go over there, I would just be that awkward third wheel who's all, "Sooooooo... more popcorn?"
Also, I don't even freaking like Eric.
I think the best chain of lies I've ever told is the one where I really did not want to go feed the ducks at the park with Thaddeus Tobinski on account of many reasons, but mostly because he threw a bologna sandwich at me in fifth grade and he didn't even get in trouble for this because he only did it because he liked me. Right. Okay, so anyway, I guess he still likes me or whatever, because he was all, "Lesley, come to the park and feed the ducks with me," (so I guess he is still delusionally living in the fifth grade) and I was like, "Um, wow, okay, I would, but like, go get a haircut. In Antarctica. Because my hairdresser got transferred there. You know how it is," and he totally believed this, assumingly because he is, you know, still delusionally living in the fifth grade. And then when my hair stayed the same length, I was all, "Oh, I glued it back on. Whatever," and he asked why, and I was like, "They made me," and then he asked who made me, and I told him I'd encountered this group of anarchist penguins who threatened to drown me, (they communicated through gestures) unless I returned my hair to its previous length, which I did by use of industrial-strength glue.
And then of course he had to go and start interrogating me about this penguin organization, so I had to come up with this entire backstory for them, and then insist that it was impossible to Google them because they were a top-secret organization and the only reason I knew they existed because was of the whole drowning debacle, and if he told anyone about them, they would hunt him down and kill him, so of course he went and warned everyone, and for the next two or so days, the entire school was freaking out about those stupid penguins.
It was quite hilarious, actually, but I mean... they were freaking out about penguins.
And then when someone finally came to their sentences, everybody started freaking out about me instead. Most of them wanted my head on account of I'd made them terrified of flightless Antarctic birds for forty-eight hours. That was fun.
I mean, why would I stop?
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